Jillian's birth required her to surrender to some hard twists and turns, transferring to the hospital and needing the support of a c-section. She wrote her story below, and you can watch her video on our tube channel at:
https://youtu.be/ZzPp8GsBvkE
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For weeks I had been trying everything in my power to bring Penny earthside. I honestly thought she would be here no later than 38-39 weeks but boy was I wrong. I continued to do the miles circuit, curb walking, eating certain foods, sex, running but miss Penny wanted to enjoy her hotel amenities for as long as possible. When I reached 41 weeks, a cervical check was performed to try a membrane sweep but I was barely 1cm dilated so a sweep couldn’t really be done. It’s funny because I was oddly okay with it not working. I wasn’t against the sweep, but I was really trusting my body to do what it wanted – frankly I don’t think Penny wanted the sweep either. So, it was decided that if by Friday February 16 I hadn’t gone into natural labor I would induce at home with a castor oil shake.
Friday February 16 I woke up, took Quinn to daycare, had a good breakfast and by 9:00am downed the castor oil shake (castor oil, 1 raw egg, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream). I was told that I need to keep this shake down for about 30 minutes to an hour and to rest and wait. The shake helps to clear out your bowels and to irritate the uterus to help bring upon contractions. About 30 minutes on the dot I got sick and was able to empty out – it was exciting knowing that my body was doing something at this point and we were one step closer to meeting our girl. I knew I needed to stay hydrated and eat, so I sent Matt to get us lunch at BJ’s – I had a salad and a baked potato. At about 11:45am I was sitting on the couch and noticed three back to back contractions that were oddly shaped but painless, then I got up to let my dogs out and pee. In the bathroom I had another wild contraction, no pain but I could tell something was kick starting. So I went back to my couch to relax and wait for lunch. At 11:50 am I sat to scoot back on my couch and heard a pop and felt my water break. I used an amnicator and confirmed that the water was in fact my amniotic fluid and I called to tell Matt my water broke!
By 12:50 pm the contractions came on quick and they became fast and frequent. I contacted my midwife team and doula and let them know that my contractions were about every 2 minutes lasting about 1 minute. I was worried that I wasn’t really in labor and didn’t want the team of people to come if I was wrong, but they reassured me that it’s better to come to check me and leave if its false VS not coming. My gut feeling was that Penny was going to come sooner than later so I welcomed everyone to come. The midwives and doula arrived around 1:20 pm and began setting up the water pool in our basement. We had a nurse from Emergence Midwifery come to administer antibiotics for strep B and then I started laboring in the bathroom, on the toilet to begin. I had lights on the floor, candles and a sound machine playing white noise to help drown out distractions – the white noise was surprisingly very helpful for me.
My mom came over and was sent off to get Quinn from daycare. Quinn got home at about 3:10 pmand she was so excited to see everybody. She put her mermaid swimsuit on and joined me in the tub. Quinn was never scared and was just excited to be around everybody and show them her toys. I had prepared Quinn for months about birth and what to expect. I had always imagined that my birth would happen in the evening and that Quinn would join us. But for it start during the day, in the most beautiful space and for Quinn to be there I just felt so overjoyed and couldn’t stop crying and saying I couldn’t believe this was real and that we were finally here in this moment.
 
The ambiance around me was my wonderful midwife team, my doula, my mom, Quinn, Matt, the office playing on the tv and then I asked for Odesza radio. I labored in the tub and remember feeling intense surges but nothing that was too much for me to handle – I had worked hard mentally to prepare for this. I was reminded to make deep groans, to ride the waves and to breathe down and to relax my face and mouth. In between contractions I was able to still be myself even while feeling the discomfort of it all. I had conversations about the delicious bone broth I had prepared for this moment – I remember it tasting so good. I made jokes about “my coochie being Gucci” – (if you know you know) and talked to everyone in between it all and felt so loved, beautiful and mighty. At some points I remember saying over and over again that I just wanted to pee but couldn’t. I felt such intense pressure, but I knew I wasn’t ready to push. With each contraction I felt like I would try to guide her down almost like a counter pressure and that brought me relief.
By 5:09 pm the team suggested that I move to the bed and try a side laying position because labor was stalling in the tub. I remember feeling so exhausted and laying in bed gave me relief. I was able to close my eyes all while trying to help Penny get into a better position to make her way down into my pelvis. Through each surge the birth comb also brought me a ton of relief as it dug into my palm and fingers. I labored in bed and tried to sustain energy by trying to eat honey, bone broth, nuts and cheese until switching back to the toilet. Alyssa and Matt were my rocks providing me so much relief by putting pressure on my hips, massage and words of love and encouragement. Although there were a ton of people in the room I really could only hear and see Matt and Alyssa.
At 5:15 pm I had a cervical exam which showed I was 8 cm dilated and that Penny was acynclitic. This meant that Penny’s head was tilted to one side and that her head wasn’t really in line with my birth canal – making it very difficult to progress. At this point Matt had my mom take Quinn to her house. With having Strep B I had a 2nd nurse come to administer another dose of antibiotics as well as IV fluids.
At about 7:34 pm the midwives performed another cervical exam to check my progress. My cervix was very swollen (lip of cervix) and I had swollen rugae which could impact Penny's ability to make her way down. During the check, I had a plume of blood come out and the midwives believed this was left over since I never had a "bloody show" but we continued to monitor. Throughout all of the monitoring Penny was a star, tolerating every position, but my blood pressure started to climb which was a main worry my entire pregnancy.
 
 
After moving from the bed to the toilet, the midwives suggested doing the fire hydrant position. They did another check before starting the fire hydrant and found that my blood pressure had become too high to safely continue so we opted to transfer to the hospital before it became an emergency. I had avoided gestational hypertension and preeclampsia the entire pregnancy and just felt defeated but wanted to do what was best for the safety of Penny and I. 
 
At 8:00 pm we left for Banner Ocotillo Hospital and by 8:30 pm we were admitted. I was extremely exhausted and decided that I was ready for an epidural to try to give my body rest and to help with pain. The team confirmed that my cervix was swollen and had reduced to 6-7cm, that I wasn’t progressing and that I had preeclampsia (high blood pressure and protein in my urine) again. By 9:10 pm they started me on labetalol for high blood pressure, iv of benadryl to decrease swelling in my cervix and iv fluids to get ready for an epidural.
By 10:20 pm I had another cervical exam which confirmed I was not progressing, and we decided to start me on magnesium. My contractions continued but I was still very uncomfortable. Throughout the night the nurses came in which felt like every 30 minutes to perform cervical checks and move me from side to side with a peanut ball but labor progression stalled. In the middle of the night I just felt so defeated, exhausted and ready to meet our sweet Penny.
On Saturday February 17 at 6:44 am I messaged my doula Alyssa to let her know that I had decided to opt in for a cesarean section and to come back to the hospital. I was so out of it, but one thing I remember was the anesthesiologist coming in to prepare me – he was wearing an office themed surgical cap which was fitting, because a day earlier the office was playing during my labor. I remember crying and being scared for this surgery I didn’t intend on having, but I knew it was the right choice. As we left room 207 to the operating room I recall feeling a huge wave of whatever the anesthesiologist gave me and recall it being really bright in the room. I laid with both arms on the table like I was on a cross. My eyes felt so heavy, my lips were so dry and so was my mouth. I felt like I was in this daze and couldn’t get out of it. To this day I don’t have many memories of the cesarean other than what Matt told me and what was photographed and I feel so grateful to have these images to help me recall so many beautiful moments through the trauma of having to pivot my plans. Matt later told me that during the surgery, the OBGYN Dr Savala who took me on as a transfer patient made eyes with Matt when she saw Penny’s cheeks to confirm that she was a big baby. I recall Matt telling me that Penny was beautiful and had brown hair and looked like Quinn. I don’t know if I made that up or if in my haze that happened – but it’s one of the memories I have. He told me that Penny immediately cried out when she came out, which was a relief.  
I don’t recall being in any pain during the surgery but felt the tugging inside and that was uncomfortable, and I had moments of nausea where I would try to puke but would heave and nothing would come out. I am 99% sure that my doula had me put my eucalyptus oil on a napkin and had that on my chest – it brought me some calmness in the chaos.
Penny Iris Monson was then born at 9:08 am (just like Quinn) on Saturday 2/17, weighing 9lbs 15oz, 21.5 inches long. She looks exactly like me and her poor toes are a combination of long alien toes from Matt and two slightly webbed toes like me.
 
Once back in the room, Penny's blood sugar was tested and was low - so Matt started feeding her colostrum that our doula went back to the house to retrieve for us. Penny had no problems eating and was very sleepy. We continued blood sugar checks on Penny which slowly got better. I am so grateful I had worked to express the colostrum ahead of time. I didn’t know I would need it in this scenario, but it brings me peace of mind that I was able to offer that for her when she was in need.
Later that afternoon my mom brought our sweet Quinn to meet Penny. This moment was a blur. I literally don’t have this memory in my mind other than the 8 minute video my mom took for me which I will never forget now that I have re-experienced it. I continued to feel so out of it, nauseous and uncomfortable and my blood pressure was still in the higher range. We transferred from room 207 to 212 that evening, and Matt took Quinn home to do dinner, bed and bath to keep up with routine while my mom stayed with me until Matt came back.
 
Sunday February 18th Penny and I were being monitored, Penny for blood sugar levels and me for pain and lots of swelling in my abdomen and incision. Unfortunately, the doctors and nurses claimed it was normal and I feel like they didn’t seem to hear my worry. I am oddly in tune with my body and knew something wasn’t right on my left side – even during fundal massages I pointed it out, but it seemed like it took forever to get attention. Later a nurse listened and took a picture of my incision, and a doctor came in and saw excessive bruising around the incision site and major swelling in my abdomen. They ordered a CT to check for a bleed and the CT showed that there was internal bleeding, so I went into surgery to try to find the issue. Matt let me know that the surgery went well and quickly, but the source was not found, seemingly resolved itself but they removed approximately 500cc of blood clots. I remember waking up from the surgery and being so out of it. My entire body was shaking and quivering, and I told them that the shaking was making me feel more pain than anything because it made my abdomen and incision move. They wouldn’t give me meds to stop it because it would affect my milk supply – which I’m grateful for. I remember later that evening having sharp pain in my shoulder which I believe was from gas they used during surgery – I got some meds after googling that was the issue and got some relief.
 
Hours later – or maybe even the next day I struggled to sit up and get out of bed but was finally able to walk to a chair in our room. I remember standing and feeling like I had bricks on my ankles and that I weighed about 1000 lbs. Over the next few days, the swelling and bruising became insane. My nether region was dark purple and extremely swollen. On top of two surgeries, having my bottom half swollen was terrifying and painful. The swelling tugged on my incision and made me so nervous about my recovery. Once I got moving it was okay, but it was a wild feeling and has taken me weeks to heal. I ended up having my mom, sister, dad, Matts mom and Lindsay all come to meet Penny and show up to support me and Matt over the next three days. I ended up spending my 34th birthday in the hospital – Matt brought Quinn to see me almost every day and really made my spirits stay high. Through all the chaos Matt held it together better than I could have ever expected – I am so glad I have such an incredible partner to do this with. Although our birth did not go according to my plan, and we had to pivot many times I am so grateful to be alive and to have added our sweet Penn into our arms.
I have had weeks to process, cry, talk and talk and talk this through with friends, family, and hospital staff. I cannot thank my midwife team, doula and Matt enough for allowing me to cry and work through the trauma and grief of it all. I also have to call out how much the videos and photographs that my doula caught for me on top of moral, physical support and love that Alyssa brought me. The healing that these videos and photos have given me is so valuable to me. The crazy thing is that I would do this ten times over. Penny took almost 1 year for her soul to enter my body, over 9 months for her to arrive physically. She was worth every second of waiting.

Is pushing on your back always a bad thing? 

Pushing on your back has a bad rap for quite a few reasons. One, it’s the prime pushing position in the hospital setting, known for convenience for the doc as well as one of the only options you have if you get an epidural. It’s also known that if you’re pushing at a reclined 45 degree angle on your back, you are literally closing off your pelvis by putting pressure on the tailbone and sacrum.

But is there ever a time and a place for pushing on your back, and if so, what is the best way to get that tailbone out of the way?

When pushing phases are long and difficult, one of the positions we find the most success with, especially for first or malpositioned babies, is a position called McRoberts, which is….. gasp… flat on your back. Sometimes our clients get a little confused when we suggest they try getting onto their back, because they have heard you don’t want to push on your back and that is part of why they chose midwifery care! But the difference here to take note of is that in McRoberts, you are flat on your back with your knees pulled up, which swings your pelvis up off the bed, opening the back of the pelvic outlet completely. Imagine that you’re in a deep squat, but are laying on your back. The benefit of a squat is often that gravity is working with you, so what is the benefit of that deep squat on your back? 

Often what we see is that the baby is having a hard time getting under the pubic bone and staying. Using the McRoberts position is often where we see a ton of quick progress where gravity helps the baby get under the pubic bone and stay there. So while this might not be the position you would have imagined birthing your baby in at home, and it’s absolutely not our first go to, sometimes it is a position we see make all the difference when your body or baby are requiring you to work really hard to get your baby out. 

If you’re in the hospital setting giving birth and want to better facilitate the birth of your baby while you have an epidural in place, asking to be fully flat on your back can help provide more space for your baby at the back of the pelvis. 

So if your home birth midwife ever says, can we try getting on your back to see if that helps you move your baby? We aren’t going hospital mode on you, and it’s definitely not for our convenience. It’s because this is a position that often works well in making some good progress to bring your baby into your arms when other positions aren’t working well. 


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Words by Jessica Morel @morelministries​

The piercing pain of experiencing my 6th miscarriage has blasted through my body, ricocheting off all the tender parts of me. It has gutted me in a way that takes my breath away. My internal battle continues to rage on within as I process so much loss. Each one has been so different, yet equally devastating.

My first one was baby Pablo.  I had no idea what to do. I had two little ones under the age of 3, a husband who worked nights, and besides my mom, a lacking support system to walk with me. Maybe because I was in my 20’s and not very many of my friends had experienced miscarriage…yet. My mom took me to the hospital. I bled out my baby in the waiting room toilet, while the local news blared on the TV. The care I received was as sterile as the exam room. 

My next one was 13 years later. On my first ultrasound, the tech saw twins, we named them Luna and Sol. We told our four kiddos and I felt radically proud that my aging body still knew what to do. By my next appointment, they were not able to find heartbeats. My midwife, Lisette Pena, sat at my feet while I sat on the toilet, in my home, bleeding so heavily that its intensity matched my sorrow. Her experience knew that it was time to go to the hospital, something I hated to do, but I trusted her advice. COVID left me in an emergency room alone, bleeding out with a compassionate male nurse and a lazy physician. They released me a few hours later, despite my ongoing bleeding. They wheeled me to a bench outside the ER area and called my husband to pick me up. Within minutes, my body went limp. When I woke up, I was back in the ER room, with my husband demanding answers from the lazy physician on my condition. My body was still trying to release the pregnancy. Our bodies keep bleeding until all the tissue has been released. By design, bleeding is meant to protect us, but no one at the hospital wanted to fuss with all my blood. I was billed for two ER visits. 

Then the fourth one, baby Alejandro, came the next year. Alejandro grew within me at an awesome time because my dearest friend was also pregnant. My mind raced with the joyous opportunity to raise our babies together. It all made sense and seemed so right. I was out of state for a work conference, in a hotel room with my husband and daughter. In the middle of the night, pangs woke me to what my heart did not want to accept. I passed a beautiful sac in the palm of my hand while crouched over the hotel toilet. My husband held my other hand as we both wept. I put Alejandro in a baggie, put him in the hotel freezer, and prayed the airport security would not confiscate him in my carry-on bag on my return flight home. My inner circle, which included our children, gathered around our mesquite tree in our backyard. We prayed and buried Alejandro under the waning moon. 

Our fifth one, baby Febe, graced us with her love a year later. Hesitation and worry filled my every thought. Only 8 weeks in, the bleeding began. This sac looked different. I could not see anything inside this sacred sac. My two teen daughters assisted me, offering me their love. I chose to be open and transparent with my children about this unexplainable part of our life.  Our fifth baby was buried at the base of our mesquite tree under a full moon. 

​Baby Hope graced us with her love in such a powerful way that I knew I was pregnant right away. She was bold and strong within me, and my body felt the daily advancements of her presence. Instead of hesitation and fear, as I experienced with baby Febe, I opted for an open heart, but only with my husband. I told no one. Not the kids, not my inner circle. No one. It was only in the quiet of the night that I drifted in and out of silent conversations with Hope within, praying with every being of my existence to hold this one in my arms. At my 9-week ultrasound, the sac was empty. A blighted ovum. Hope got started with her development and loved me so much, that she reabsorbed back into me. What a wonder. My body took 3 more weeks to recognize that Hope chose to stay within me. Once again, my midwives Lisette Pena and Alyssa Johns held space for me offering constant compassion. I woke up to a gush of my blood being released. My unwelcome experience of loss knew it was time. I had my special heart-shaped bowl ready in the bathroom. My husband ran a bath and asked what he could do. I asked him to make me some coffee. He held my hand as I sipped my coffee, watching the swirls of blood form in the water. Little by little, my body passed Hope’s temporary home within me. I gathered it up and put it in the heart-shaped bowl. My husband and I went back to the mesquite tree and buried Hope’s womb in the early morning before all our kids woke up. I couldn’t let them see me like this again.

I am still processing it all. Nothing makes sense. Rage boils within and then minutes later I experience love from babies I never held. Each baby has been so unique. Each passing equally different.
The pain is the same.